Jul 30, 2016

"The day after Christmas two years ago you decided it was OK to find me in the middle of the night while I was sleeping and rape me, leave me in the pitch dark on a dirt floor-come back later on in the night and rape me all over again."

This is the entire statement sent to me by Jane Doe #2 in the Kailan Meserve case. She sent it to me to be published, only on my blog. Do not use it elsewhere. No one else has a right to publish or reproduce this post (or any material on my blog, especially without permission). I usually do not put such a strong disclaimer but find it necessary, especially in this case. 

Your Honor I would like to address this letter to the defendant Mr. Meserve.

I have so much to say, saying I don't know where to begin is a tremendous understatement. Initially when I learned about writing a letter or an impact statement to the judge or to the court or to you I was eager, confident, and anticipating having an opportunity to tell my story, explain my feelings, and have a chance to talk without being completely terrified and distraught by being recorded, interrogated, or in front of a court room. Now it is the night before this letter is due and I'm finally writing it. This is because any tiny morsel of confidence or well-being or clearheadedness enough to address anything to do with what you did to me or this situation have completely vanished and destroyed me. Not to mention the horror that you have put my family and friends through, the other victims family and friends through, your family and friends through, the court etc. I'm writing this to explain to you that you have irreversibly undeniably disgustingly forever altered so many peoples lives it is inconceivable.

The day after Christmas two years ago you decided it was OK to find me in the middle of the night while I was sleeping and rape me, leave me in the pitch dark on a dirt floor-come back later on in the night and rape me all over again. Again, leaving me there stunned, sad, scared and hurt.

I somehow drove to where I was living at the time which is usually a four and a half hour drive- that day it took me 10 hours because I was sobbing and vomiting. For days upon days I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't talk, couldn't watch TV, couldn't be in the dark, didn't want to bathe or move. I was empty. You did this to me.

The emotional and psychological distress endured from this horrific event has significantly and negatively impacted my ability to function in a productive, meaningful way in my life. After the event I was not able to face the outside world – I didn’t want anyone to see my pain. I gave my employer no notice, no explanation as to my absence. I didn't confide to anyone what you did to me for a year. I was lost. When I learned that you had raped another young lady I decided to come forward.

The emotional and psychological effects manifested themselves in anxiety attacks and bouts of paranoia that rendered me unable to leave my home – to even shower – and go to work. I would be physically ill for days at a time. I lost five days of work in January. I lost another five days of work in March. I was out of work for a week in June; a week in November; a week in December. On average, I missed two days a month of work.

Faking being OK to everyone around me, crying sleepless nights, sick to my stomach most of the time, trying different medications, not being able to be in the dark or doing any sort of normal activity a young woman should be doing was and basically is my life. Because of you.
My doctor decided to look further. I was put under and had an endoscopy. A camera was shoved down my throat to see what was the matter with me. There was nothing; it was stress. It was you.
With the impending trial, the emotional and psychological distress severely impacted me yet again; I was unable to work from March through April. And, again, as I prepared for the sentencing, I have missed 3 days of work.

The impact of this trauma goes beyond financial as outlined above; In times of extreme duress, I would call my family or friends at all hours of the night, uncontrollably hysterically sobbing, “Why me? Why did this happen to me?"

I am an honest, loyal, funny, hard-working, educated beautiful young woman who has everything to offer. I have made a life for myself to where I can do anything I want-until the day you decided that severely breaking the law was something OK to do, therefore we are all suffering the consequences. This has stripped me of my ability to operate in a professional manner, which may limit future employment opportunities, where stability, dependability and accountability is of paramount importance.

Humboldt is my home.  Because of what you did to me there it is nearly impossible for me to go to my home where I grew up, born and raised from preschool through college, where my family and friends are. Now that you are behind bars and I have continued receiving help dealing with the anxiety and PTSD surrounding this, I hope to visit my home again making new positive memories. I have worked with doctors, counselors, rape crisis, tremendous support from the DAs office in humboldt, family and friends and even my employer have all helped me to get through this.
It seems very far away for me to even begin imagining having a relationship with a man and build a family and a life for myself. And that's because if you. I'd like to say I'm happy at the end of the day just to make it through the day, but I'm not. I'm barely making it. I will get there though. I will not let your drunken-drug induced monstrous actions define my life. I will find a way to get myself back because when you were raping me the thoughts racing through my mind were "this isn't happening to me, this isn't me, this isn't going to be me". It has, but I've learned that it's OK to not be OK. And one day I will be ok.

I will absolutely not let you have the opportunity to do this to anyone else. You did this to me, to the other victim, to all of our family and friends and the Court. You put all of us through all of this hell. Justice will be served.


  1. Dear jane doe:
    I sincerely hope you keep up therapy. My daughter went through hell with a molester. Three years of therapy - and staying sober all the while, brought her back to life. Now she's a healthy, happy young woman. You CAN do this and more, believe me. We all are pulling for your recovery and health.

  2. Jane Doe:
    Thank you for trusting John Chiv and allowing him to print your letter. I hope in time you will allow it to be used to help others who have suffered (and continue to suffer) from rape. Your story is well-told and clear in what the crime was and the continuing impact on you. Perhaps others who have also suffered will gain strength from your courage and the steps you've taken to fight back.
    Thank you also for coming forward to help in the prosecution of this criminal. I won't name him; he's lost the right to have a name. When he goes in the system he'll have a number assigned by the state but we already know his number, it's ZERO. Nothing. He has forfeited his right to be an independent individual. He has been charged, tried and found guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. I hope that word echoes in his mind for the rest of his life.
    I pray whatever personal, family, church, professional, spiritual assistance that can come to you help you to recreate a life for yourself.

    And I hope others share the story of Jane Doe #2 to give strength to women who need to know that there can be justice. Just remembering the story and telling someone the outcome may help them more than we know.
    I think there may be some who know too well the basic facts of your story themselves but cannot speak of it. Telling your story may help them deal with their own pain.