I forgive Gary Lee Bullock

I have had 2 father figures in my life. Two men that believed in me, protected me, guided me, taught me right from wrong, and were always there for me. For an orphan, I felt lost when Fr. Loren left in 2010. I thought my world had ended; I was vulnerable and scared of what the future held for me at home. That is what St. Bernard’s is for me. It is where I go, it is where I want to be, it is the place that I feel safest and happiest.

For 7 years Fr. Loren is who I turned to when I felt lost, hurt, happy, confused. The parish members are my family. They have been through with me every day in the happiest and most difficult years of my life.

Fr. Loren had left to go to his new parish and Fr. Eric arrived. I remember the first conversation I had with Fr. Eric and where it was—the beginning of path between the church and rectory that Gary Lee Bullock paced frantically and eventually steps away from where he entered the rectory and took away my other father. For 3 years Fr. Eric was there for me.

I spend so much time at church daily that there is not a moment or place where I don’t remember Fr. Eric. I have been shell-shocked; I have not had a chance to mourn him. I sat stoically through the court proceedings. And finally last week, the hurt and the pain was too much to bear.

In the 2 weeks in between I struggled with anger at Gary Lee Bullock. At one moment during the court proceedings I looked at him, and I felt a momentary lapse of hate.  I spoke to Deacon Frank, Fr. Greg, Fr, Carlos and our Bishop and went to confession. Such feelings separate me from the grace of God. Their words and guidance helped and once I expressed that feeling and asked for forgiveness, I prayed to want to forgive Bullock and the strength to do it.

The anger dissipated instantly, the lapse of feeling hate was just 1 moment but I was not ready to forgive.

Bullock should be fairly tried in a court of justice. There is no sentence, no judgment, nothing that will bring Fr. Eric back. I will never forget the pain he caused, the destruction and violation of my home. The human part of me will go through the process of grieving.

I did not expect to say today that I do forgive Bullock. Not only do I forgive him, I pray for him. I pray that whatever caused him to do such a heinous act and the pain and hurt he feels and the darkness he needs to escape that he be free of all of it.

The people who knew Fr. Eric, especially the Catholic community, have prayed for Bullock from the first day even in the midst of our own pain and grief.

I do not condone what Bullock did. I do not buy the speculation of why. It is no longer important to me. If I had not forgiven him, I remain stuck in a place, never free of  Bullock and his mistake.

Forgiveness isn’t easy. It is a process. It is individual but once genuinely enacted, it truly sets you free. It is my faith and living of my faith that made this possible.

Living in this world, growth like this will be 1 step at a time. It does not mean that starting at this moment I will be perfect in my words and actions. What I do know is that if I can forgive Bullock and see him as a broken, hurt individual crying out in his own pain; instead of the monster that killed my father; I can be a better person bringing about the changes in this community and viewing people I do not understand or like in a different light.