"Can I help you John?"

Since that day, when Fr. Eric did not show up for mass until 11 a.m. this morning, I have been stoic, did not cry, just kept busy.

As we were waiting for the courtroom to open for the jury to come in and find out the verdict, I felt my eyes tear up but couldn't cry. I felt sick, I was shaking.

As I heard the first verdict of guilty for first degree murder and then the special allegations being found true,that was the most emotional moment. Each guilty verdict filled my heart with gratitude.

I will toast and drink to and with Fr. Eric tomorrow. After the verdict, I just wanted to go home and see if I could cry. I did not, I cannot, I wish I could.

Calls had to be made, emails had to be sent to other priests, parishioners, Fr. Eric's friends.

Then, I walked up to the pathway at St. Bernard's where I first met Fr. Eric. I stood  in the space, where often he would see me and come out of the rectory back door. Sometimes, it was the second or third time in a day I was at church. Church would be closed at that time. I was supposed to get a key because I was at church a lot, helping with ministries. It was when Fr. Eric was pastor that I started those ministries.

We had talked about me getting a key.

That New Years Eve, when we were locking the church, I reminded him about the bathrooms. Ironically, I did get a key, after Fr. Eric passed away.

As I stood in that space praying this afternoon, the church was locked. I returned my key a few months ago. I wanted to go in but I thought of the many times Fr. Eric found me outside and what he said to me.

I heard his voice saying, "Can I help you John?" Just as I would say then, I said thank you, I just want to pray. I can do it outside just as I can inside.

He would smile and go about his business.

Thank you Maggie. Thank you Mr. Isaac, Mr. Burke, Mr. Perrone. Thank you jury.

Thank you to all involved in the case. Thank you Judge John Feeney. Thank you court staff, bailiffs and law enforcement.

Thank you Kaleb.

Thank you God for your grace and faith. I have recently felt pain, hurt, sometimes anger, but in all this time never hate for Gary Bullock. Forgiveness does not mean not feeling pain.

Thank you Matthew for coming to court for the verdict today. That meant a lot.

 After the verdict,  thank you to all who gave me hugs, especially Fr. Eric's sister Anita.

Lisa, Kari, Anita, hard as it was to watch you in court, it was harder when we first met. Finally today, some peace.